wtf

Now I realize the importance of keeping this updated.
Last night was pretty monumental, and two nights before that as well. And I also didn't even finish the previous post.

Perhaps I'll start three nights ago, which is already getting hazy.

I went to another intern's place after work on Wednesday. She was having people over for dinner at her apartment, since she completed her internship. We talked a lot of shit about the boss, ate some quiche, played some video games, whateva. She lives in a suburb outside of Amsterdam, so we had to take the train to get there. Unfortunately I had brought my laptop there and forgot it at the end of the night and couldn't really go back and get it. I had always feared this moment - to go back to this apartment and experience life without the internet. Fortunately it was late enough that I could consider just going to sleep, so that's pretty much what I tried to do.

ll was on the phone when I came in, but we were both out of each other's range of sight. The conversation sounded pretty heated (and smelled a bit like cheap wine), so naturally I listened at the door. Actually I layed down on my bed with all my clothes on, terrified to go out and brush my teeth, and left the door cracked. ll was pretty furious with his ex-ex-bf - the tall, skinny, blond 25 year old Dutch guy. xxbf had gone a trip to the Middle East for about a month with his work and had just gotten back to the Netherlands. ll had earlier promised that we would all go out together as my last hurrah. I actually would have gone had he delivered. Anywho, I guess the dispute was about some concert that ll had tickets for. I really do not understand what happened, so I won't try to go into it. The conversation went on and on - mostly ll yelling at xxbf about this ticket. It went so far as to ll calling him a bastard and a 'white piece of shit', among other things. This might explain their strained interactions which are going on now as ll serves xxbf 'breakfast' at 1:30 in the afternoon. I suppose ll didn't sleep last night.

Yeah, pretty standard drama crap. However, it started to get interesting after ll hung up the phone.

But first I should mention something. I realized today the only reason I'm able to blog about ll is that he has no inner dialogue. Once the shit hits the fan, the blow hits the nose, the cabernet sauvignon hits the... well, you get the idea. ll channels that little voice in his head and just lets it loose. This includes every tiny insignificant thought that doesn't make it to a complete, well rounded one. Which tends to happen when someone is drunk/stoned/crazy. I can't tell you what he sounds like exactly, but it's somewhat like an extended stutter - most of a word or phrase comes out, and then abruptly ceases. But in any case, the world around ll knows exactly what he's thinking at that very moment, even if it's complete nonsense. Brilliant. Why he chooses to go insane in the living room, and not his bedroom, is something else which should be examined. He must know that French fuck and I can both hear him.

Anyway, back on track. ll continues on his rant, cursing the name of xxbf and his life of privilege and travel and pasty white skin, but then things start falling. I don't know what's going on, but shit starts crashing. ll also starts blasting shitty techno music, and the external dialogue commences. It sounds like he begins to cry a few times, but THEN he just starts screaming. He does a few screams that start off from nothing, kind of like from a frequency a dog whistle operates on, but he increases the volume slowly into a full on scream. And he starts yelling, in a truly sad and pained voice, 'GET AWAY FROM ME! AHHHHHHHHH!! YOU AREN'T REAL! JUST STOP IT! STOP IT! HELLO?!?'.

Now I'm actually freaked out, because this shit is not normal. Talking to yourself to the extent that ll does it is not normal, but hallucinations.. NO. The sounds that are coming from this man are not normal either - he sounded almost like an animal. My door is still open, and there's no lock. I really wonder if he's going to bust into my room and I honestly don't know what's going to happen. I wonder if he's going to jump off the balcony, or if someone's going to call the police. And where am I going to hide if the police actually do come.

He calms down after some more screaming, some more crying, and some more crashing. His 'normal' external dialogue comes back. He went to the bathroom, which is across from my room, and I heard him say, "You CANNOT leave this house... before you pack your bag... and leave." All the while piss is hitting the toilet and floor.

I never did brush my teef that night

:(

The next night ll wasn't there at all. I thought maybe he could have jumped off that balcony, who knows.