Sunday through Tuesday I was more or less not in the apartment - 3 blissful, awkward free days. Today I came home and took a nap, and then was woken up by ll calling my cell phone from inside the apartment. Apparently he was worried that I had been beaten and left for dead somewhere. Isn't that sweet? He also informed me about 15 times that evening that today was the dog's birthday. I thought I should mention it for some reason, despite the fact that the dog probably forgot that it was even born in the first place BECAUSE ITS A DOG, and most likely has no concept of birth, reproduction (it's a virgin), death, or the Gregorian calendar. ll made him some kind of birthday cake in the morning composed of 'some flour, some egg, and some meat' (I had to ask what goes into a dog's birthday cake). Mmmm, meaty.
ll was acting a little strange - maybe he just couldn't handle the excitement of speaking to another human being, since wff isn't packing much heat in social department. He took the dog to accompany him to his place of employment where he had a package waiting for him, and also to show the dog to his co-workers who were at a bar next door. Do you see where I'm going with this? Before he left he said, "I was going to make you a lamb burger, but I can't because I'm leaving." Oh.... okay. Well I started making dinner anyway because it wasn't clear if he was coming back at all, and I was getting hungraaaaay.
About 15 minutes in I received a text message reading, "Can u go out for a drink?". I replied with, "Oooh I would, but I just started cooking. [Hahaha! A real excuse this time!] How long will you be there? [But it doesn't really matter, because I'm never going to come.] Want me to put your stuff in the fridge?" - as I imagine pulverized lamb patties and salad don't keep well out in the open. He responded back with, "Im 5 min away . just asking" I don't really know what to make of that last one. I don't understand why he can't just walk up the stairs and ask me in person.
Anyway, he watches me eat, we chat a little, weird stuff that doesn't make any sense in the first place so it's kind of hard for me to recount. He talks about getting his eyes checked with his ex-bf. He's -.50 in one eye, -.75 in the other. He goes on and on about how everyone thought his eyes would be worse, that he doesn't need glasses but he wants them, and he has trouble riding his bike at night. He's literally cackling at this stupid ass story. I'm truly riveted, as you can tell. He also continues on about how he was worried about me and how he didn't have my mom's number. Yeahhhhhhhhhh, there's a reason for that.
Clearly he's under the influence of something. I can only assume he had been drinking, but usually I can smell it on him. He is/has been urinating quite a lot, with the door open (and not flushing...). He said his co-workers loved the dog, but it sounded like he didn't stay for a drink because they were going to movie. Confused. There is also no alcohol in the house. Confused.
He explains the lamb burger concept (lamb patty, mayonnaise and truffle oil, and rucola on a toasted kaiser roll if you're interested), and tells me I should make it tomorrow for lunch because he's leaving for Madrid in the morning and obviously can't consume it. OK!!
I retreat to my room to work on my thesis.
Interrupted soon after by silent landlord barging in on my 9 meters squared, with a fucking lamb burger and cutlery in his hand. It's 10pm.
So I proceed to take the lamb burger to the kitchen, thinking it would be rude to eat his burger in my room alone. He starts off by saying, "I got my eyes checked."
"Guess what my measurements were. Come on, just guess!"
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Goddddddddddddd....
My mind started racing. What the fuck do I say? He's already told me three times what his vision is. Is this a trick? Why do I have to guess? What number should I guess? What's the right answer to this question? If I guess a high number is he going to get pissed?
Thankfully during this pause, ll took it upon himself to answer the question himself.
"Well, how could you know? That's impossible. -.50 and -.75!"
Yes, that's impossible.
---
I pushed around the last bit of the burger on my plate because it was
totally raw. I put it in my mouth and went to the sink with then intention
of forcing it down the drain because I was tired of waiting for him
to finish, but thankfully his phone rang so I spit it up into the garbage
can instead.
<3 best lamb burgie i evar tasted
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